You can’t fault THE DARKNESS for full on, balls out effort in the face of some blatantly obvious, self-inflicted Rock Star wannabe behaviour – By Guy Shankland. ‘Pinewood Smile’ opener ‘All The Pretty Girls’ bounces out of the speakers like a puppy on Red Bull, all tail wagging, running into doors while crapping clichés on the carpet and licking its balls in front of Granny. Planet Rock will probably love it. Next up is the pirate quick riff, seafaring flavoured ‘Buccaneers Of Hispaniola’ complete with a laissez-faire chorus which drifts harmlessly off into the sunset. The albums second single ‘Solid Gold’ is smothered in naughty swear words and an Airbourne-esque (not AC/DC) riff, it’s catchy, cheesy and overwhelmingly crass. ‘Southern Trains’ is The Darkness’s answer to rush hour commuter anarchy, “With the smell of shit and piss in the air, fuck you Southern trains, we’re not getting anywhere”, and breath, just breath.They almost cover Steel Panther on the sickly tea time ballad ‘Why Don’t The Beautiful Cry’ which lacks the wit and cherry pie timing of the Sunset Strip favourites. Herein lies the bands biggest marketing hurdle, are they a joke Rock band or a serious artist because being in the middle of the two is just musical no man’s land, dodging commercial bombs, bullets and bodies, while struggling for radio airplay. ‘Japanese Prisoner Of Love’ ticks every Darkness box, sound and twist, which they manage to squeeze into just over four long minutes. It resonates like poor man’s Bond theme crossed with ‘Asian Hooker‘. Justin Hawkins voice is still a feat of vocal greatness but shipping out semi-humorous lyrics is just a sad waste of his obvious talent. ’Lay Down With Me Barbara’, ’I Wish I Was In Heaven’ and the infantile ‘Happiness’ continue and complete the albums mixed up Metal message. The Darkness remain a stunning live band, all energy, explosions and sing-a-longs. However, without the smoke, mirrors and stage lights it’s all a little one-dimensional. ’Pinewood Smile’ exposes this with an unforgiving, brutal transparency. In O Level terms, this gets a C-, with “must try harder“ scrawled across the margin in bright red biro. It might be time for The Darkness to head back to Metal Skool.
THE DARKNESS
PINEWOOD SMILE
6/10